Practicing yoga today was both easier and harder than I expected. Physically, I went through the sequence with no trouble. Mentally, it was more difficult. I think this was because I kept wondering as I went through each asana, “Will I be able to do this sequence every day this month?” I doubted myself before I had barely begun.
I’m a perfectionist, so if I feel I can’t do something well 100%, I struggle to continue forward and finish. In my mind, I think to stop is better than to fail. This must be because I place on myself unrealistic expectations.
I have done this in almost every aspect of my life since I was young. When I was a child, though, these expectations didn’t seem to cut so deep. Probably because I thought I had a lot of time before I had to worry about failing. But I’ve grown older, and many of these childhood expectations remain unfulfilled. These “failures” loom over me quite a lot.
When I do yoga, it is like I have to face these failures in every pose. If I haven’t taken care of myself physically, I berate myself for being unable to do a certain asana easily. The hardest poses at times are actually the still closing postures. It is there all my insecurities surface. Usually, this is very good for me. It helps me to sort my thoughts and send good vibes to my past self.
Sometimes though I get very discouraged. Like today.
I always thought adults automatically knew how to face life’s challenges. Whatever the outcome, adulthood seemed like a perfect time to make decisions, because adults have experience. What I didn’t expect was feeling just as uncertain whenever any big life event surfaced. I even set guideposts for myself as indicators that everything would become clear and fall into place.
But that isn’t how it is. I like reading one particular Manhwa called Dazzlingly Bright by Myeong. I relate to the main character Yeonsoo because she struggles to face her life’s uncertainties as well. She tried to pattern her life as people told her to. Because she needed a high paying job. Instead, she decided to become a writer and live alone. She reflected,
I thought I would be able to see my future better as an adult. If I do well on exams. If I get accepted into university. If I get employed. As I cleared to quests connected together, and as I became an adult, what I learned is that it’s just dark.Dazzingly Bright, Chapter 3 by Myeong
But the manhwa is named Dazzlingly Bright because she meets a young man who helps her choose to face her physical limitations. Though the direction she eventually chooses doesn’t fit the normal mold, she finds clarity following her own path and finding love and inspiration in unexpected places.
That is what I need to find out for myself. My life’s story didn’t go as planned, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be happy. Right now, doing this challenge and facing my physical limitations is pushing me to see with clarity the type of life I can have. At least, that is what I feel.
Thank you for reading! See you tomorrow!