Mindful Living: The Ukrainian Conflict

Image via Higher Self Yoga

My thoughts are a muddled mess right now. However, I want to write this post so I can let people know what I feel and am thinking about right now concerning the Ukrainian conflict.

War affects everyone differently. For me, I’ve become more and more withdrawn trying to deal with a plethora of emotions, fears, and grim thoughts. Hopefully, I can look back on this post in the future and be comforted.

From 2014 to 2017 I served a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in the South Western part of Russia. This is a precious part of my life on which I reflect often because of the people I know and love there. I lived in Rostov, Krasnodar, Astrakhan, and traveled along the coast and even near the border of Ukraine.

So many people have asked me how I am handling the Ukrainian/Russian conflict. The short answer is. . . it’s a grief I never really thought I would have to face.

War is different when those you know and love are involved. I know many Ukrainians and Russians who live in the areas affected by this war and it’s heartbreaking to see Russia hated because of its leaders.

Gratefully, many Ukrainians don’t hate Russians for the hateful acts of their leaders.

I’ve been impressed by how Ukrainian President Zelensky has reacted and handled this war. His speech to the Russian people especially moved me a few weeks ago. It reminded me of two verses of scripture in the Book of Mormon.

46 And they were doing that which they felt was the ^aduty which they owed to their God; for the Lord had said unto them, and also unto their fathers, that: ^bInasmuch as ye are not guilty of the ^cfirst offense, neither the second, ye shall not suffer yourselves to be slain by the hands of your enemies.

47 And again, the Lord has said that: Ye shall ^adefend your families even unto ^bbloodshed. Therefore for this cause were the Nephites contending with the Lamanites, to defend themselves, and their families, and their lands, their country, and their rights, and their religion.

Almas 43:46-47

When he talked to the Russian people directly he didn’t attack them or Putin. He simply laid out the facts and made it clear Ukrainians wouldn’t cave to Putin and his demands. It was a powerful example to me of what it means to fight for a good cause.

This is his speech to the Russian people

I hope his message, along with many others reaches the Russian people.

My heart is breaking, watching the Russian and Ukrainian people suffering so. Like I said before, war affects one differently if it involves people and places they love. And I know what I feel pales in comparison to the sorrow and despair of those living there right now.

I think I understand better the song “Empty Chairs at Empty Tables” from Les Miserable. In the beginning line, it states, “There’s a grief that can’t be spoken. There’s a pain goes on and on, empty chairs at empty tables. All my friends are dead and gone.”

I wonder if this is how my grandfather felt, fighting in a war against Germany. His father and mother migrated from Prussia right before World War II, leaving behind what would become part of Germany.

I wonder if he ever felt heartbroken at the thought of facing against and killing possible relatives. I wonder if his sorrow in losing so many of his friends felt more bitter because of his connection to Germany.

The people who suffer the most in war are the innocent, everyday men, women, and children forced to endure the tyranny of evil people.

I love Russia, but not for its government. Russians have suffered under bad leadership since their country’s inception. History books record Russia’s leaders, their beliefs, and goals but never its people; the heart and soul of the country itself. They are steadfast, resilient, kind, and generous. The people do not necessarily reflect the viewpoints of the country they live in.

It’s like Louis L’Amour once said in his novel Last of the Breed.

If our people and your people could sit down together and talk about our families, their farms, and their jobs, I think there would be no trouble. 

‘It is our governments that are continually fencing for position, each trying to gain some advantage.

Russia does not trust its own people. They have built a wall to keep them in …’”.

-Louis L’Amour

What I’m trying to say is I know Vladamir Putin is doing horrendous things under false pretenses. But there are really good people in Russia, many of whom are being arrested for publicly supporting Ukraine and protesting the war.

Perhaps I’ll post about this subject again, to release further feelings and reflect on what I’ve learned. For now, I pray in full sincerity for the people involved in this war. My heart is with them.

I don’t want to let despair rule my life, no matter how much grief I’m carrying. If this isn’t a test of courage and faith, I don’t know what is. Above anything, I want to say I endured this hard time in my life while focused on Christ, God, and their promises of peace and understanding in the future.

Thank you for reading.

I am a Perfectionist and I’m Okay With It: Day 15

Being a perfectionist tends to have a negative connotation in our society nowadays. When we picture a stereotypical perfectionist we see perfectly cleaned rooms with perfectly organized shelves and perfectly ironed cloths. The Oxford dictionary says perfectionism is “refusal to accept any standard short of perfection.” Meaning a perfectionist is “a person who refuses to accept any standard short of perfection.”

In my mind, when I hear these definitions I think of Monk from the TV show and sort of shudder thinking of any being like that. At least I do when its meaning pushes this image of perfection. It is like Elder Cecil O. Samuelson said. “These good people suffer from exaggerating their minor mistakes, weaknesses, or shortcomings to the point that they may become dysfunctional.”

It is so ironic that we most often associate the word perfectionism with dysfunctional. That a perfectionist, who is trying to have such a high standard for themselves, is slightly broken.

This was how I pictured perfectionism until my church mission in Russia. I remember talking to the counselor in Moscow about certain problems with Obsessive Compulsive Thinking I seemed to have. She then asked me a very pointed question: “Aubrey, do you think you are a perfectionist?” I was taken aback. There was no way I could POSSIBLY be. I mean, I was no Monk. But then, after reading some articles she sent me, everything from my life started clicking together.

From the article “The Imperfectionism of Perfectionism“

I looked at the signs of may be perfectionists and surprisingly saw myself (Refer to this article for more information.)

1. All or Nothing Thinking, where anything less then perfect isn’t good enough. Yep. Throughout my schooling I always had very high expectations for myself in regards to grades, reading and how much I knew. If I did not meet my intended vision, what I did wasn’t good enough.
2. Critical Eye, being very critical of themselves and others. I see every aspect of my weaknesses and I remember them. I have an uncanny memory for my mistakes and weaknesses. I also am very observant of others’ shortcomings.
3. Push vs. Pull, to be pushed toward their goals by a fear of not reaching them and see anything less than a perfectly met goal as a failure. I was not one to pull myself up to meet goals. I tended to be pushed by this ever present fear of failure.
4. Unrealistic Standards, having unreasonable self standards. The best example I can think for this in my life is when I started learning Russian. I wanted to know the entire language in 8 weeks. A feat which usually takes 8 years. I set a bizarre standard on my self and consequently, I was miserable most of those 8 weeks.
5. Focus on Results, seeing nothing but the goal and hardly any of the journey to get there. This manifested most profoundly in my writing. I had to either write the entire paper perfectly in one go, or it was no good. I barely ever used outlines or drafts.
6. Depressed by Unmet Goals, being unable to bounce back or be positive about failure. Failure has always, always been hard for me. I remember each failure years later. “If at first you don’t succeed, try try again.” is a phrase I have therefore struggled with for a long time.
7. Fear of Failure, so much is stake in the results, the fear of failing is overwhelming. I have many times been frozen in place mentally because I am so afraid of failing. Example, I tried to do handstands in my B3 yoga class several years ago. As I watched everyone so much farther along than me physically, I faced the wall and immediately laid down. The thought of me be unable to succeed was almost unbearable.
8. Procrastination, “fearing failure as they do, perfectionists will sometimes worry so much about doing something imperfectly that they become immobilized and fail to do anything at all.” Such a mindset has often possessed me. Like from my aforementioned example, it manifests most in yoga. I oftentimes freeze while trying to do hard poses because I know in my heart I can’t do them perfectly yet and I don’t want anyone to witness my shortcomings.
9. Defensiveness, taking constructive criticism is hard. When I am at my lowest, I do everything in my power to never have to receive criticism of any kind because I do become defensive and unable to think clearly beyond the weaknesses they have pointed out.
10. Low Self-Esteem, because they have such high standards, it manifests as low self-esteem. I see this most in myself in my physical health. I have had to fight hard to gain a love for myself and how I look.

Looking at this list is very daunting. I see all these signs in myself and wonder how I have been able to achieve anything.

I have to wonder if have these tendencies are necessarily a bad thing. Though I sometimes find myself falling into a pit of fear or even self-criticism, I have come along way from the small third grade self who lamented not getting hundreds on her multiplication tests.

It’s all about perspective!

So I re-looked at the list and found my strengths resting nestled among my weaknesses. I have also found ways to overcome the greater challenges I mentioned in the list before.

1. All or Nothing Thinking. Because I have high expectations for myself, it has helped me avoid unnecessary debt, addictions, and self destructive behavior. The all doesn’t have to come now. I’ve learned to slowly, over time, take small steps towards self improvement.
2. . Critical Eye. To be critical is not necessarily a negative thing. The definition of critical can also mean, ” expressing or involving an analysis of the merits and faults of a work of literature, music, or art.” Because I am very observant of faults and failures it means I am ALSO very observant of masterful or beautiful things. I created for me a love of reading, watching and observing the wonders of this world and really analyzing them. All to bring to my life a greater understanding of the world.
3. Push vs. Pull. I’ve found as time has gone forward I have switched more to a push and pull mindset. I know my goal, feel the internal push toward it and then methodically take smaller steps to reach it. I’ve learned to use such a vice as a spring board towards higher achievements.
4. Unrealistic Standards. Tricky as this one is I’ve learned that unrealistic standards can also be interpreted as “high aspirations”. I’ve also learned to shift my focus from myself to others. For example: “I have to learn Russian in 8 weeks” vs. “I want to learn Russian as fast as I can so I can really speak to the Russian people.” Truly this mindset would have really helped me on my mission. But I needed to grow into it.
5. Focus on Results. Again, this is not really a bad thing unless the end goal completely overwhelms me. I keep in the forefront mind what I expect from myself and work hard to achieve it.
6. Depressed by Unmet Goals. This has been one of the hardest for me. The best I can say is, I try my hardest to look past the failure and the opportunities still before me. I keep in my mind Walt Disney’s phrase, “Keep Moving Forward.”
7. Fear of Failure. This trick is to push through the fear and see it for what it is. Once I see it for what it is I take a step back, breathe and envision puling myself up if I do fail. I think, I will be alright. There is always one more try than the one before to get it right.
8. Procrastination. Catch it. Then move on. This is no longer a vice which plagues me.
9. Defensiveness. I have to tell myself if ever I receive criticism that it has nothing to do with my worth as a person. I have also learned to embrace the phrase, “I don’t know.” There is such relief in not having to know everything. If I can do these two things, I find I become less and less defensive when being corrected.
10. Low Self-Esteem. I have learned to turn my low self esteem into humility. But also I’ve tried over the years to take care of and love my body the best that I can. It is hard to hate one’s self if one tries their best to take care of themselves physically, mentally and spiritually.

There you have it. Even though there are times where I wonder about my imperfections and feel frozen by fear, I’ve felt such relief over the years as these aspects of my character no longer seem like a burden.

“Hear Him”

I can’t take complete credit for myself for these breakthroughs in my life. Honestly, the greatest joy I’ve found is in creating a relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. These relationships have helped me the most.

I’ve had so many experiences on and since my mission where I have simply sat, meditated, and felt God’s love for me. The best changes in my life have come not through my merit of character but when I stopped to feel and know how much God loves me. It has meant so much to know him and want to change. At the root of my change isn’t an overshadowing feeling of guilt but a firm desire to become like Christ.

It is hard to feel love such as Heavenly Father’s and not want to change for the better.

“Feed My Sheep”- David Koch

I believe most perfectionists fail to know they are not alone on life’s journey. That is why they are stuck. True relief comes in knowing and living with god day to day.

“The difficulties of life do not have to be unbearable. It is the way we look at them – through faith or unbelief – that makes them seem so. We must be convinced that our Father is full of love for us and that He only permits trials to come our way for our own good.

Let us occupy ourselves entirely in knowing God. The more we know Him, the more we will desire to know Him. As love increases with knowledge, the more we know God, the more we will truly love Him. We will learn to love Him equally in times of distress or in times of great joy.”

 Brother Lawrence, The Practice of the Presence of God

Being a perfectionist is not a bad thing unless we let our imperfections and fear take over us. We must strive towards better goals and seek the divine.

Thank you for reading!

Com Follow Me: February 10-16

This has been an interesting week for me. There are a lot of changes coming very soon in my life and I have been pondering a lot on what I can do as I face them. This week’s chapters in 2 Nephi floored me when I thought one very important thought. When the Lord talks about gathering Israel and remembering his people it has EVERYTHING to do with me. His covenants to bring the gospel to all who will hear, to bind families together eternally, and to bring peace into the hearts of men isn’t just for those in Israel. He is speaking to all of us.

Therefore, I learned some very important lessons this week while studying.

Vintage engraving from the 1870 of a scene from the Old Testament by Gustave Dore showing Isaiah. He lived approximately 2700 years ago and was a prophet in the 8th-century BC Kingdom of Judah

I. God will never forget us because he loves us

I love reading passages of the Book of Isaiah because they remind me of two important things. First, God is well aware of where his people are and has prepared a way for them to be found again. For as it says in Isaiah,

21 ¶ Remember these, O Jacob and Israel; for thou art my servant: I have formed thee; thou art my servant: O Israel, thou shalt not be forgotten of me.

Isaiah 44:21

We as people do not love long enough to think of or remember every soul on this Earth. People die, move away and cut ties with one another. Times moves the human family away from each other and it seems impossible to be connected again. There are uncountable souls on this Earth for one man to comprehend.

But God is different. He sees us, knows us and is aware of our individual lives. He knows where we came from, who we are now, and what is to become of us in years to come. The second beautiful truth given in Isaiah and throughout the scriptures is God sent Jesus Christ to save us. I love the scriptures in 2 Nephi which talk about his plans to gather Israel.

11 Wherefore, after they are driven to and fro, for thus saith the angel, many shall be afflicted in the flesh, and shall not be suffered to perish, because of the prayers of the faithful; they shall be scattered, and smitten, and hated; nevertheless, the Lord will be merciful unto them, that when they shall come to the knowledge of their Redeemer, they shall be gathered together again to the lands of their inheritance.
12 And blessed are the Gentiles, they of whom the prophet has written; for behold, if it so be that they shall repent and fight not against Zion, and do not unite themselves to that great and abominable church, they shall be saved; for the Lord God will fulfil his covenants which he has made unto his children; and for this cause the prophet has written these things. 2 Nephi 6:11-12

It fills me with such wonder to think how much love God has for us. To think he after thousands of years still strives to save us from ourselves. To bring us home.

Art by Annie Henri Nader

II. To show our love for God, we must choose to follow Christ

That being said, knowledge of God’s love is not enough for us to find the happiness and peace we need. True love isn’t just a feeling. True love motivates us towards acting on those feelings. I have always loved Disney’s animated Beauty and the Beast (1991) because it reminds me of this very principle. In my review of the movie I noted,

What exactly makes this movie and story so captivating? I think it is the idea that love has an overwhelming transformative and liberating power. This idea is so simple, yet, incredibly beautiful. How many times have books and movies depicted a hard, course man altering his character for love? As it says in Cocteau’s film, “Love can turn a man into a beast. . . (and also) make an ugly man beautiful.”

– My review of Beauty and the Beast

I believe it is the same for all of us. There will always come a moment when we feel the weight of things we have done. And in that moment there comes a choice. When we learn of Christ will we choose to accept his love and follow His example towards eternal happiness or continue on a destructive path towards misery.

III. For our safety and happiness, God gave us commandments

I will always remember two distinct videos I watched when I was younger. The first was “Spiritual Crocodiles” from President Boyd K. Packer’s talk by the same name. He described them thus. “These spiritual crocodiles can kill or mutilate your souls. They can destroy your peace of mind and the peace of mind of those who love you.”

I have thought so much lately of dangerous ideas which are in our media. It seems like every year more and more immoral behaviors and scarring ideas make our way into our movies, TV shows and books. Lately, I have lamented how children’s shows and movies are now subject to these ideas. There are fewer safe places to avoid these things.

Sometimes there is very little we can do against seeing or hearing these things. Pornography is cleverly disguised in shows like Game of Thrones and foul language ignored more and more in present day critically acclaimed movies like Knives Out (2019).

This is where the second video from my childhood comes to mind. It was called “The Test” based on a fireside given by Robert Habertson. Honestly, the part I remember the clearest is when a young man is bitten by a rattle snake he saved from the top of a mountain. The snake had promised the young man he was “special” and no harm would come to him if he saved the snake from certain death. When the young man berated the snake and asked why it had bitten him the snake replied, “You knew what I was when you picked me up.”

This line, “You knew what I was when you picked me up.” has followed me throughout my life. I think of it as I choose what to watch or read. I think of it as I observe those around me choose to not follow God’s commandments. I have ultimate power in how I choose to live my life.

The media can make sin a very enticing thing, and omit certain truths for the benefit of money or popularity. But it cannot change the consequences which come inevitably when we do wrong.

I’ve seen many of my friends through small and seemingly harmless decisions which lead to very unhappy results. These decisions have led to divorce, cycles of self abuse, addiction to shows and drugs, and terrible guilt in regards to others they involved in their decisions.

But I have also seen the results of what happens when we choose Christ and put him at the head of our lives. I think of my parents, grandparents, siblings and church leaders I have seen. I think of those I taught on my mission in Russia and my heart swells knowing how beautiful life can be as we choose to follow Christ and ignore harmful ideas and behaviors. I loved reading in 2 Nephi,

14 Wherefore, we shall have a perfect knowledge of all our guilt, and our uncleanness, and our nakedness; and the righteous shall have a perfect knowledge of their enjoyment, and their righteousness, being clothed with purity, yea, even with the robe of righteousness.

2 Nephi 9:14

Art by Walter Rane

IV. God always keeps his promises

This was a principle I really needed to learn this week. I will be moving soon and with such a big change there also comes terrible uncertainty. I’ve thought back on other major changes in my life and promises I am still waiting to be fulfilled.

As I have pondered this, I came across another scripture in 2 Nephi.

17 For I will fulfill my promises which I have made unto the children of men, that I will do unto them while they are in the flesh.

-2 Nephi 10-17

My mother has often told me, “God always keeps his promises.” Sometimes it just takes moments like this for me to understand what that means. I am grateful God is good. I am grateful for his Plan of Salvation, and I am grateful knowing he sent Christ to be our Savior, to lead us on a path of safety and joy.