I am a Perfectionist and I’m Okay With It: Day 15

Being a perfectionist tends to have a negative connotation in our society nowadays. When we picture a stereotypical perfectionist we see perfectly cleaned rooms with perfectly organized shelves and perfectly ironed cloths. The Oxford dictionary says perfectionism is “refusal to accept any standard short of perfection.” Meaning a perfectionist is “a person who refuses to accept any standard short of perfection.”

In my mind, when I hear these definitions I think of Monk from the TV show and sort of shudder thinking of any being like that. At least I do when its meaning pushes this image of perfection. It is like Elder Cecil O. Samuelson said. “These good people suffer from exaggerating their minor mistakes, weaknesses, or shortcomings to the point that they may become dysfunctional.”

It is so ironic that we most often associate the word perfectionism with dysfunctional. That a perfectionist, who is trying to have such a high standard for themselves, is slightly broken.

This was how I pictured perfectionism until my church mission in Russia. I remember talking to the counselor in Moscow about certain problems with Obsessive Compulsive Thinking I seemed to have. She then asked me a very pointed question: “Aubrey, do you think you are a perfectionist?” I was taken aback. There was no way I could POSSIBLY be. I mean, I was no Monk. But then, after reading some articles she sent me, everything from my life started clicking together.

From the article “The Imperfectionism of Perfectionism“

I looked at the signs of may be perfectionists and surprisingly saw myself (Refer to this article for more information.)

1. All or Nothing Thinking, where anything less then perfect isn’t good enough. Yep. Throughout my schooling I always had very high expectations for myself in regards to grades, reading and how much I knew. If I did not meet my intended vision, what I did wasn’t good enough.
2. Critical Eye, being very critical of themselves and others. I see every aspect of my weaknesses and I remember them. I have an uncanny memory for my mistakes and weaknesses. I also am very observant of others’ shortcomings.
3. Push vs. Pull, to be pushed toward their goals by a fear of not reaching them and see anything less than a perfectly met goal as a failure. I was not one to pull myself up to meet goals. I tended to be pushed by this ever present fear of failure.
4. Unrealistic Standards, having unreasonable self standards. The best example I can think for this in my life is when I started learning Russian. I wanted to know the entire language in 8 weeks. A feat which usually takes 8 years. I set a bizarre standard on my self and consequently, I was miserable most of those 8 weeks.
5. Focus on Results, seeing nothing but the goal and hardly any of the journey to get there. This manifested most profoundly in my writing. I had to either write the entire paper perfectly in one go, or it was no good. I barely ever used outlines or drafts.
6. Depressed by Unmet Goals, being unable to bounce back or be positive about failure. Failure has always, always been hard for me. I remember each failure years later. “If at first you don’t succeed, try try again.” is a phrase I have therefore struggled with for a long time.
7. Fear of Failure, so much is stake in the results, the fear of failing is overwhelming. I have many times been frozen in place mentally because I am so afraid of failing. Example, I tried to do handstands in my B3 yoga class several years ago. As I watched everyone so much farther along than me physically, I faced the wall and immediately laid down. The thought of me be unable to succeed was almost unbearable.
8. Procrastination, “fearing failure as they do, perfectionists will sometimes worry so much about doing something imperfectly that they become immobilized and fail to do anything at all.” Such a mindset has often possessed me. Like from my aforementioned example, it manifests most in yoga. I oftentimes freeze while trying to do hard poses because I know in my heart I can’t do them perfectly yet and I don’t want anyone to witness my shortcomings.
9. Defensiveness, taking constructive criticism is hard. When I am at my lowest, I do everything in my power to never have to receive criticism of any kind because I do become defensive and unable to think clearly beyond the weaknesses they have pointed out.
10. Low Self-Esteem, because they have such high standards, it manifests as low self-esteem. I see this most in myself in my physical health. I have had to fight hard to gain a love for myself and how I look.

Looking at this list is very daunting. I see all these signs in myself and wonder how I have been able to achieve anything.

I have to wonder if have these tendencies are necessarily a bad thing. Though I sometimes find myself falling into a pit of fear or even self-criticism, I have come along way from the small third grade self who lamented not getting hundreds on her multiplication tests.

It’s all about perspective!

So I re-looked at the list and found my strengths resting nestled among my weaknesses. I have also found ways to overcome the greater challenges I mentioned in the list before.

1. All or Nothing Thinking. Because I have high expectations for myself, it has helped me avoid unnecessary debt, addictions, and self destructive behavior. The all doesn’t have to come now. I’ve learned to slowly, over time, take small steps towards self improvement.
2. . Critical Eye. To be critical is not necessarily a negative thing. The definition of critical can also mean, ” expressing or involving an analysis of the merits and faults of a work of literature, music, or art.” Because I am very observant of faults and failures it means I am ALSO very observant of masterful or beautiful things. I created for me a love of reading, watching and observing the wonders of this world and really analyzing them. All to bring to my life a greater understanding of the world.
3. Push vs. Pull. I’ve found as time has gone forward I have switched more to a push and pull mindset. I know my goal, feel the internal push toward it and then methodically take smaller steps to reach it. I’ve learned to use such a vice as a spring board towards higher achievements.
4. Unrealistic Standards. Tricky as this one is I’ve learned that unrealistic standards can also be interpreted as “high aspirations”. I’ve also learned to shift my focus from myself to others. For example: “I have to learn Russian in 8 weeks” vs. “I want to learn Russian as fast as I can so I can really speak to the Russian people.” Truly this mindset would have really helped me on my mission. But I needed to grow into it.
5. Focus on Results. Again, this is not really a bad thing unless the end goal completely overwhelms me. I keep in the forefront mind what I expect from myself and work hard to achieve it.
6. Depressed by Unmet Goals. This has been one of the hardest for me. The best I can say is, I try my hardest to look past the failure and the opportunities still before me. I keep in my mind Walt Disney’s phrase, “Keep Moving Forward.”
7. Fear of Failure. This trick is to push through the fear and see it for what it is. Once I see it for what it is I take a step back, breathe and envision puling myself up if I do fail. I think, I will be alright. There is always one more try than the one before to get it right.
8. Procrastination. Catch it. Then move on. This is no longer a vice which plagues me.
9. Defensiveness. I have to tell myself if ever I receive criticism that it has nothing to do with my worth as a person. I have also learned to embrace the phrase, “I don’t know.” There is such relief in not having to know everything. If I can do these two things, I find I become less and less defensive when being corrected.
10. Low Self-Esteem. I have learned to turn my low self esteem into humility. But also I’ve tried over the years to take care of and love my body the best that I can. It is hard to hate one’s self if one tries their best to take care of themselves physically, mentally and spiritually.

There you have it. Even though there are times where I wonder about my imperfections and feel frozen by fear, I’ve felt such relief over the years as these aspects of my character no longer seem like a burden.

“Hear Him”

I can’t take complete credit for myself for these breakthroughs in my life. Honestly, the greatest joy I’ve found is in creating a relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. These relationships have helped me the most.

I’ve had so many experiences on and since my mission where I have simply sat, meditated, and felt God’s love for me. The best changes in my life have come not through my merit of character but when I stopped to feel and know how much God loves me. It has meant so much to know him and want to change. At the root of my change isn’t an overshadowing feeling of guilt but a firm desire to become like Christ.

It is hard to feel love such as Heavenly Father’s and not want to change for the better.

“Feed My Sheep”- David Koch

I believe most perfectionists fail to know they are not alone on life’s journey. That is why they are stuck. True relief comes in knowing and living with god day to day.

“The difficulties of life do not have to be unbearable. It is the way we look at them – through faith or unbelief – that makes them seem so. We must be convinced that our Father is full of love for us and that He only permits trials to come our way for our own good.

Let us occupy ourselves entirely in knowing God. The more we know Him, the more we will desire to know Him. As love increases with knowledge, the more we know God, the more we will truly love Him. We will learn to love Him equally in times of distress or in times of great joy.”

 Brother Lawrence, The Practice of the Presence of God

Being a perfectionist is not a bad thing unless we let our imperfections and fear take over us. We must strive towards better goals and seek the divine.

Thank you for reading!

Beauty Around Us: Part 2, American and Irish Animated Backgrounds

“Youth is happy because it has the capacity to see beauty. Anyone who keeps the ability to see beauty never grows old.”
― Franz Kafka

Continuing on, the theme for this section is beautiful backgrounds from animated films in America and Ireland.

I. Disney Animated Films

1. Sleeping Beauty (1959)

2. Tarzan (1999)

3. Pocahontas (1995)

4.The Rescuers Down Under (1990)

5. Frozen (2013)

6. The Princess and the Frog (2009)

7. The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996)

II. Pixar Animated Films

1. Coco (2018)

2. Wall-e (2008)

III. Dreamworks Animation

1. How to Train Your Dragon 1-3

2. Prince of Egypt (1998)

3. Kung Fu Panda 1-3

IV. Laika Studios

1. Coraline (2009)

2. ParaNorman (2012)

3. Kubo and the Two Strings (2015)

V. Cartoon Saloon

1. The Secret of Kells (2009)

2. The Breadwinner (2017)

3. The Song of the Sea (2014)

VI. Various Other American Animated Films

1. Anastasia (1997)

2. The Thief and the Cobbler (?)

3. The Secret of Nimh (1982)

4. Klaus (2019)

Beauty around Us: Day 13, Part 1

Most of the pictures in this post are actually from my personal camera phone. Spring is truly a beautiful time of year.

I’ve wondered a lot these past few weeks the value of taking the time to see and appreciate beauty around us. From commercials on solitude during the quarantine and even free access to operas, ballets and classical concerts I’ve found myself reflecting on how much I needed to slow down and LOOK at the world around me.

A peace has come into my life even amidst the chaos, stress and anxiety.

To see, understand and appreciate beauty is an integral part of the human condition. Its deeply personal. I’ve noticed how those who lose track of themselves most readily forget to find and see beautiful things. To be truly lost in the dark means also being blind to beauty.

But just like anything, the higher elevated our minds are, the more attune we are to celestial beauty. Even if we feel we aren’t adequate or insightful enough to know or find the best of everything, I’ve found for myself there is beauty everywhere if we are willing to look for it.

I remember several years ago doing a research project on what I believed to be the most beautiful animated films. I believe what I sad then applies to now. It is silly but I was upset because my favorite films had not been listed. These were my thoughts concerning the matter six years ago.

It is natural to be emotionally attached to beautiful things, and even more so to be upset when they are not recognized. 

Beauty and aesthetic opinions are ALWAYS subjective. . . Though beauty depends on personal opinion, I still believe there is a higher standard. To be able to recognize and appreciate true beauty takes time, patience and study.

So much of normal everyday life seems to be built upon abating physical appetites and receiving stimulation through our entertainment. But the experiences that really matter, which stick to us, are those which adhear to out spiritual desire to find beautiful things and experience them for ourselves.

Sometimes that is through a children’s story. Sometimes a photograph. It can be found in nature among trees and flowers and in looking up at the stars. Music at its peak also transports us to hearing and finding beauty within ourselves.

I wanted to share a few of my most favorite beautiful finds. I will list it by category. I find when I show others the things I love I understand and love myself more. It gives me confidence to know I can find beauty around me.

I. Background Art from Animated Shows

1. Samurai Jack

Art by Scott Wills

2. Avatar the Last Airbender

3. Hilda (2018)

Original art and concept by Luke Pearson

4. Over the Garden Wall (2014)

II. Backgrounds from Japanese Animated Shows

1. Mushishi (2005, 2014)

trees-2560-1024-wallpaper

2. Hyouka (2012)

3. Tsuritama (2012)

This post will be split into four or more parts! Stay tuned.

We Must Believe and Expect the Best of Ourselves: Day 12

Recently, my friend asked me a very jarring question. She asked, “If your parents weren’t so strong in their religion and marriage, do you think you would still be active in your religion?”

This is what I call a “What if. . . ” type of question. It has no right or wrong answer and it lies within the philosophical world of impossibility. This question did cause me to reflect deeply on the decisions which brought me where I am now.

I really am lucky. I have had hardships in my life, but one of the greatest blessings I have is my childhood with my parents and siblings. For those who don’t know, I have six siblings. We all have our fair share of stubborn habits and mindsets, but I believe we are all firmly set as good people. We had the greatest privilege to witness for ourselves what happens when parents love each other and nurture each of their children.

Now, my parents aren’t perfect. But they are loving and they helped me know what I want for myself.

So, thinking on my parents and all they gave me, it is hard for me to know what I would be like without them or my home life. But a loving home and good examples are not enough to define the character of an individual soul.

I can think of many instances where I had the opportunity to turn away from all I believe.

There were the turbulent years between the age of 10 and 13, when my family faced a great personal challenge I can’t readily discuss. Suffice it to say, I felt my whole world would crumble away because of the confusion and pain we all felt.

When I was in middle school, my classmates, especially the boys, bullied me mercilessly and it took years for me to really believe I was beautiful. Many of them went to church with me.

When I first started college, I was in an apartment with roommates who did not make smart or moral decisions concerning dating and other things.

There were multiple lost loves, lonely days, mental and emotional struggles, and crushed hopes which in retrospect could have turned me onto a different life course. But that didn’t happen.

I don’t think it was necessarily because of in the moment dramatic declarations of belief. It came from the small every day decisions. It reminds me of an analogy I heard at my sister Amanda’s graduation. Though I don’t know the course, I remember its principle.

The speaker stated in summary, “Imprison a man behind a wall of opposition and he will do all he can to escape from it. But may that same man draw a circle about himself of moral principles and never dare cross it.” This touched me deeply when I heard it. I wondered if I had done the same thing for myself. In that moment, I knew I had.

Having this in my mind, I told my friend who asked me the aforementioned question, “I have always believed in God and His commandments. It is second nature to me. Since I was young I decided I would be obedient and so I was. It was what I wanted to do.”

I remember being eight years old and being baptized. I was so excited and knew as young as I was the decision I made was right. I remember forgiving my brother and realizing with gratitude I had a spiritual gift of forgiveness. I remember so many small precious moments where I prayed and knew God heard me. The thing about these times is it is so hard for me to adequately express their impact in my life.

In order to understand them, I have taken time in my life to sit still and reflect on how I felt in these moments. I know I am where I am now because I believed in myself and in God’s promises. I can see it in how I treat others and myself. I can see it in my hopes for the future. I can see it in how I view my past self.

Now we come to the title of my post. I have a firm belief every person is capable of great good and evil. Before the fact, we must firmly set in our minds the image of our success against evil. It isn’t a matter of “what if. . . ” as it is “I will. . . “. If we give in to hardship or evil it will not be because we did not have to ability to fight and conquer, but because we had not predetermined the worth and strength of our soul. Especially when enhanced by our love for and belief in God and the Savior.

Before we face the inevitable temptations and trials of life, whether it is divorce, wayward children, disease, death, natural disaster or peer pressure to give in to contemporary ideas, we must believe we will be strong enough to withstand it.

We must believe the best of ourselves. We must expect our souls are bright enough to withstand anything. The truth is we are strong enough. Only we decide the limits on our eternal potential.

Thanks for reading.

What Happens When We Stop Being Angry?: A small message for my family Day 12

This is a message for myself, about myself and I believe it matters. Because of recent events involving many in my immediate family, I have contemplated what I could possibly say to reach everyone in question.

The title of this post is a direct result of my pondering and my feelings. It also stems from my impressions after seeing the new movie A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (2019). The movie in question is based partially on the works of Fred Rogers, who created the show, Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood (1968-2001). The movie was phenomenal and I recommend everyone go see it. But I am not here to write a review. I am here because there are many in my family who need to know how I feel and my thoughts concerning our struggles.

In the movie, Mister Rogers showcases the life of a man name Lloyd, who is very angry and in extension very scared. These feelings came because of his father Jerry, who left Lloyd, his sister and his wife for another woman during his wife’s illness and death. Throughout the film, Lloyd faces these emotions and learns to deal with these feelings in a positive way. I’ve never seen Fred Rogers’ show but I believe this idea was the premise of his life’s work: to face our feelings and major issues in a positive way.

This is not to say one’s feelings do not matter or that there are not consequences for harmful behavior. It simply means we find ways to face these emotions so as not to harm others or OURSELVES.

Part of me wishes I could have seen this show when I was young. From the time I was ten to thirteen, I carried a lot of pain, sorrow and anger. I bottled these emotions up to the point I would suddenly burst in a fit of rage. I kicked a hole in our laundry room wall, I broke several keys on the piano, and I shattered a brush I threw down our hallway. I faced bullies at school the best way I knew how, by reading myself into a stupor. I couldn’t face my parents with my feelings, because it meant I was weak. It meant I had to admit being angry. It meant being vulnerable and exposed.

I couldn’t afford to be any of those things. In my young mind I needed to hold my family together. I prayed and longed for us to be a family again. When we were all together once more against all odds I was very careful not to do anything which I thought would break us. I never told my elder brother how much I longed to be his best friend, even though I knew he was not. I never told my elder sister how much I envied her for being thin and smart, while I struggled with feelings of inferiority because of my weight and timidity. I never told my younger sister how sorry I was for not being a better friend to her my senior year of high school.

And I did not know their thoughts and feelings. We never reached a point where we could. Life moved on. We left home on missions, to college and to be married.

Now I am older and I understand those feelings and longings and regrets mattered. But I now also understand they were too much for a child to bear. In fact they are too much for ANYONE to bear.

Which brings us to the present moment. My dear family, what happens when we stop being angry? What do we see? I know for a fact we all have burdens we carry. Let me tell you what I see. For some, it is like our families are being torn apart. Some feel incredible mental anguish and fear for our children. Others must face the consequences of their mistakes and shame for what they have done. Some have felt so alone, even ostracized for years, not knowing how to be part of our family again. Some are married, others are not. Some of you don’t believe you are worth saving. Others suffer from depression and are tortured by anxiety.
Through our suffering we have common ground.

So I say this. I know we are hurting. I know some of us are so angry. In many ways we are all scared. We are scared of losing each other because we love one another. We regret things we have done and said in our pain and rage.

We must believe in one another. That is why God gave us families. It is because he knew this life is not easy. He knew there would be suffering and trials. Who better to face life and the evils which lie there than we, an eternal family? We have been through worse than this. As this world comes against us, we have each other.

I love all my siblings, my parents, and my new sister and brother in-laws. I love my grandparents, aunts, uncles alive and on the other side of the veil. I DON’T WANT TO LOSE ANY OF YOU.

In the movie I saw today, Mr. Rogers asks Lloyd to share a minute of silence to think of all those who have “loved him into being”. While they sat in silence I did as well. I thought of all of my family and I cried because you are all so precious to me. It grieves me to see you in pain. I feel helpless because I can’t take your sorrow away.

I can tell you how I felt yesterday. I was angry. Angry, bitter and ashamed. Most of all, I was grief-stricken. I wanted to go back to being that child who kicked holes in walls and screamed because the world is not fair. There were times I bitterly sat with myself thinking, “You took my family away from me, destroyed us and beat us. What did we wrong? Why can’t we go back? What do I have to do to make it right again?”

Those questions torment me again.

But yesterday, in the heat of my sorrow and harsh feelings my institute teacher after writing a myriad difficult questions on a board asked us his own question. What do each of these questions have to do with Jesus Christ? With this perspective, I know better. It is because I have seen God’s hand in healing our family time and time again. Remember Jesus Christ. Picture him in your mind. He will heal us, he will bring us together again. His message is Heavenly Father’s message. Families can be together forever.

Mom has told us this quote from President Gordon B. Hinckley many times.

“It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don’t worry. I say that to myself every morning. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us.”

If some of you need time to heal, take that time. If some of you need to be away, stay where you are. But please, don’t act in anger. Anger leads us to say and do things which cause terrible damage to others and OURSELVES. Let us remember to be kind and compassionate.

(For context, this is from the movie Princess Mononoke (1998) where a God became so consumed by rage and hatred it burned its way through him, turning him into a demon of destruction and death. The antithesis to his being.)

Acting out because of hatred and anger will make monsters of us all if we do not temper our emotions and turn to God.

Remember what Viktor Frankl said, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

I say this for myself as well. I am tired of being angry. I am tired of the ugly feelings and being fearful of a future which has not happened yet. I want to look toward our future with faith. I believe our family will be whole again. I believe in all of us.

Please ponder, for any in or out of my family who read this,

Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like “struggle.” To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.- Mister Rogers.

Fear verses faith: Day 11

Do you remember the moments you were truly afraid? I think about it sometimes. My mother called me a crystal child. Things very easily upset or frightened me.The list of these things piled up for my young tender self. I feared going outside in the dark, zombies, dinosaurs and cloaked wraiths: things which were big, uncontrollable which could engulf me and take me away. I am not sure I’ve changed so much since I have grown older. I no longer fear those old movies or silent terrors but there are times when I feel myself stop, tremble and cover my head because of fear.

I thought of it today as I did yoga at my studio. I was already out of sorts so as I went through the usual postures and movements, it didn’t take long for me to start comparing myself to others who were more. . . “accomplished” then myself. The teacher called for a lot of handstands. I did not do a single one. I realized I had a problem when she demonstrated a wide legged handstand by the wall. To do the position I would need to pace my hands about half a foot from the wall, set my head firmly on the wall itself and with my legs wide kick up into the inversion.
I went by the wall, positioned myself and before I even attempted the jump I simply knelt down. I watched other students go in and out of it. It was in that moment I knew I was afraid. It didn’t just manifest itself there, it progressed throughout the whole session and by the end of it I was close to tears.
I know it wasn’t about the difficult postures. It was the jump, into the unknown. This jump and seeing others succeed froze me. I could literally picture all my life failures and I decided instead of taking the risk to give up and not try.
Perhaps that is what I needed from yoga today; to see my physical self so I can understand my mental self. Funny thing is, they are one and the same.
I have always been afraid of making mistakes. The examples are countless and the results are the same. That is, unless you look at those times where I didn’t give in to the fear, but fought through it. How else could I have moved to Idaho, finish college, become a teacher with no prior experience or even learn Russian?
In my last post not too long ago I didn’t know where I was going. Now I do. So why am I so afraid?
Thinking on it, I am faced with my same self from my mission who had feelings she did not want to admit and who was moving from a traumatic experience in a previous area. It was then that I had a dream. I share this dream because I feel someone needs to read it. It is a very special, sacred experience for me.

In my dream, I and another girl were being chased by someone, who I knew wished the worst for us. Eventually, he caught up to us in a room, where we had nowhere else to run. He looked at us, a well-dressed red haired man, and like a charismatic snake-oil salesman stated he would give us anything we ever wanted. All we needed to do was give our full selves to him. Our agency and will so to say. The other girl seemed as though she would give in to his offer. I couldn’t believe she would do such a thing.
I listened to him and knew I would never accept his offer, so instead of answering I asked him questions: What would happen to us if we agreed? Would we ever gain control of ourselves again? Each time I did this he grew angrier. Shimmers of a darker being would flicker like black shoots from him. Finally, he looked at me and said, “Why don’t we pray? You pray don’t you? Why don’t you say it, since you are so confident of yourself.”
So I started to pray, he grew closer and closer to me almost skin to skin, mocking everything I said. I was afraid. Terribly afraid. But instead of praying in English I began instead to speak in Russian. The more I focused my heart and words the angrier this being became, but I also gained more confidence.
Finally I looked at this dark, angry man and said, “We belong to Christ and you have no power over us.” That was when the facade was gone and we could finally escape. He lost his form, revealing himself for the twisted nightmare he was and I and the girl ran. We ran far and hard, always knowing he was not far behind us.
Before I knew it, I no longer was an adult, but a child. I ran along my old hallway from our old house in St. Johns to my parents room. My father and mother were in the bed and the room was chaotic, cluttered and I felt disoriented. I looked up at my father, terrified and said, “Dad, I need help.”
He looked at me and asked what was wrong. I told him, “Someone is coming, you can’t imagine how horrible! What do I do?”
Calmly, even as I could hear the nightmare coming my father told me, “Faith and fear cannot reside in the same heart together. Do you believe?”
It was then I woke up.
I’ve reflected many, many times on this dream and told a few select people of my experience. I write about it now so as to voice the battle I and every person must fight. This is a battle to face our fears with FAITH. But we need not face these fears alone. In Philipians 4:13 Paul stated, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”
The longer I live, the stronger my conviction that God is real. That Jesus Christ really did die and lives for us. Because these things are true means we have bigger, and grander things to look forward to in times to come.

It makes me think of a scene from The Prince of Egypt, where Moses talked to multiple Hebrews after turning through God’s power the river to blood.

Yes, Aaron, it’s true. Pharaoh has the power. He can take away your food, your home, your freedom. He can take away your sons and daughters. With one word, Pharaoh can take away your very lives. But there is one thing he cannot take away from you: your faith. Believe, for we will see God’s wonders.

As I face my own challenges, I hope I can find the courage and faith to continue moving forward. For those facing their own trials, I hope you and I can move forward with this faith. That we may believe in good things to come.

Where do I go? Day 10

This post is mostly just me rambling. I find when my thoughts are this fragmented and heavy it is best to write them out.
Lately I have felt like Wirt from Over the Garden Wall. He stated in a rather dramatic way,

Sometimes I feel like a boat upon a winding river twisting towards an endless black sea, further and further, drifting away from where I want to be, who I want to be.”

All day today I have had multiple experiences of late flash through my mind. Honestly, I’ve reached a moment in my life where I don’t fit into any mold for anyone my age in the workforce or social sphere. And it causes a lot of deep pondering. At 29 I feel on the brink of passing into another world, one which not many people talk about, because not many reach it.
It is a world where I have a plethora of choices laid before me. Choices I have to now make because life didn’t go as I planned. At 18 I didn’t think about a career, because I figured most girls married by 21 anyway so I wouldn’t need to worry about it. Well. . . obviously that didn’t quite happen for me. Big events in my life all fell out of order. So obvious choices I could make fall to the wayside.
To give you an idea, my life played out like this. At 18 I left home to go to college as a music major, an obvious choice since I loved music and performing. Within a year and a half I switched my major to history and lost my love for music. My childhood passion gone, my mind pointed in a different direction and I moved colleges and finished my degree at 23.
Well, there I was with my education finished and absolutely no idea what to do. So I went home and because a music teacher of all things. But I felt lost, so unsure of my decisions and my future. Fear gripped me hard at times and pushed me further into myself. Then at 24 I left for a mission, serving with those 7 to 8 years younger then myself, returning at 26.
When I returned I didn’t have a college to go back to nor a marriage waiting for me. So I came to Provo to work, wait and hopefully settle down.

But over two years have passed me by and now the future lays ahead like tumbled weeds, jumbled, messy and looking altogether useless.
When I talk to others about my desires for marriage not being in sight I receive now typical answers which could explain the why or the will be. I’ve had some tell me, “Perhaps you are meant to marry someone who is still married to someone else. You just need to wait until life puts him into a single position again.” You know, the standard Sleepless in Seattle scenario. Another person told me, “Many women don’t marry in this life but still find ways to be mothers and companions for others.”
Goodness knows I have heard all sorts of things, partially because I think people feel just a little sorry for me. I don’t fit into the mold. I don’t have a prestigious career and don’t have my own family. I am adrift looking forward into a future which is truly unknown.
I think it is easy to lay back and wait for any number of futures people tell me to come true. People tick off names of people I could become like, who were successful or who married famous people way later in life. It is easy to think, “Now that I am older I should start preparing myself for different goals and dreams because my previous ones no longer apply.”
It is also easy to become lost, adrift wanting and waiting for life to finally come. Waiting for something miraculous to just happen.

Because that is what happens to people in these types of stories. I could be like Eowyn from Lord of the Rings who could only see in her future death by the sword, a means she devised as an escape from a caged life. I could also become like Charlotte from Pride and Prejudice who settled into a loveless relationship because she feared she was on the road to spinsterhood and shame. Then again, I could be like Fanny from Mansfield Park who felt such pressure to accept marriage from a man she did not altogether trust.
I could be Sheri Dew, Wendy Nelson, or any number of successful women in this world who found happiness elsewhere outside traditional molds and stories. I really could.
But here is the thing. I am not any of these people. When people tell me what I should now expect because of my age, sometimes I just want to look them in the eye and say, “How could you possibly know what is in my future or what will happen to me?” Other times I want to scream how those lives people envision coming for me are not what I want.
Here is the kicker though. Do I even know what I want? If my future and life truly doesn’t fit into a workbook I can easily memorize and fill out where do I go to find out? Now, my life is a blank canvas and I have all the freedom in the world to make it what I want. But what picture do I want to paint?

The easiest thing would be to copy someone else’s life. Make myself one of countless people.
But you know what, NO ONE FITS INTO THESE SO CALLED MOLDS. All of our lives are set centered on our agency. I have the power to choose the destination and particulars of my journey. But I do get sidetracked. I fail to envision the possibilities before me because I see others passing by me with particular styles, accomplishments and talents. And in so doing, I never really understand myself.
I don’t think we are able to grow beyond our visions of ourselves. Therefore, I must change my perspective. I need to learn to BE ME. If I don’t know what I want to do, perhaps it is about time I figured it out.

The greatest truth I can leave anyone who reads this is, don’t let anyone steer you from creating your own life and finding your own answers. Be yourself, trust God and look forward. For “yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.”

“It’s okay to let yourself be sad”: Day 9

(True happiness comes during pumpkin season)

A few posts ago I wrote about steering our minds towards happiness and focusing on the good rather then the bad around us. After I wrote it, I started thinking of experiences in my life when I tried to do this but felt terribly discouraged because I couldn’t. These were special moments in my life when the world came crashing down but also taught me empathy.

What made them special is difficult initially to explain, but I will do my best.

First off, the concept for this post came from one of my favorite series Fruits Basket by Natsuki Takaya. In the first volume there comes a moment Tohru, the story’s heroine, is with Kyo going back to live with him and others at their house.

Frustrated he asks why she didn’t say aything about wanting to stay with them or how sad she was about leaving. He then told her something which has resonated with me especially these last few months.

It would be okay to complain, be selfish, and say what you want every once in awhile. It’s okay to let yourself be sad.

This idea is what helped me overcome a lot of anxiety and hopelessness I carried throughout my childhood. My mother and father can attest how deeply I buried all my feelings of loneliness and sorrow as a child and as an adult. This usually resulted in other feelings bursting out when I couldn’t contain it anymore. Usually it manifested through FEAR and ANGER.

Lately, I understand better the concept pixar writers tried to convey in their film Inside Out (2015). When I saw the film in theaters I didn’t like it. But now, I think differently. Though the characters lacked depth individually, as a whole they portrayed an important lesson on understanding ourselves.

Lately I have thought of how hard Riley tried to bury her sadness. This resulted in her inadvertantly abandoning happiness and being ruled by her other emotions. It also meant healing coming later when she accepted her sadness and voiced what she truly felt.

Like Riley, so much of my life I spent trying to never have problems. I thought by always projecting happiness and hiding my other emotions I could help my family and parents as they faced others trials going on.

Since then, I have had to remember this truth. It is not wrong to voice or acknowledge how we truly feel.

It is also not wrong to feel sad. To cry. To be deeply hurt. To be struggling. It is only damaging to let these feelings rule our lives. If we are not careful they can become our identity.

I think of my Grandma Engler and one account from her life my mother told me. She outlived all her siblings, friends, and guardians. A great portion of them, including her mother, two of her sisters and Godparents died suddenly and prematurely while she was very young. One day many years after they passed, my grandfather found her curled in a ball sobbing. When asked what was wrong she named all those people she had lost. It had been years since their deaths. But the grief still lay raw in her heart.

She had never given herself time because of her children, the ongoing war and surviving family members to grieve. And it all hit her at once. I marvel at my grandma’s ability to carry her suffering and enjoy life. However, I wish I could tell her younger self it is okay to be sad and long for those we have lost.

I remember a time while on my mission where I felt true, overwhelming sadness. I left an area which I truly loved and an elder who I had grown to really care for. How do I even begin to describe the heartache which encased me at that time? From the outside it seemed truly illogical and I hated myself for how weak I felt. I hated the tears, the weight always in my chest and the thoughts which swarmed me.

The heartache was so bad I could barely bring myself around people . But there was a stubborn part of me which refused to stay home in the dark. For a week I sludged through these feelings on my own, fighting to look deep at myself and face what was happening.

But there came one of those special moments. I even remember the dress I wore and room I sat in. As I sat pondering, it was like a voice told me, “Aubrey, its okay to let yourself be sad.” I gave in so to say and I finally understood the third verse from the hymn “How Firm a Foundation.”

Fear not I am with thee, O be not dismayed. For I am thy God and will still give thee aide. I’ll strengthen thee, help thee and cause thee to stand. Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand.

In my sorrow I held in my mind the image of me crushed down to the ground unable to move. But in that moment of sadness I also felt peace and a distinct feeling I was not alone. I then imagined pressing my hand to the ground and lifting myself up. Reaching my hand to Christ kneeling next to me. At first it was just my head, then I came to my knees, further to my feet and finally step after promising step I went forward.

But I did not do it alone. After this episode in my life passed I thought often of these scriptures in Matthew 11.

28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

In my ward Jan Herriford, my bishop’s wife said, “Because of the Savior we can suffer less.” It is through our sorrows we can truly find God.

As I have faced my sorrows and trials the last few years I can honestly say I have found newfound peace in my life. One, because I realized I must allow myself to feel and face my sadness. Two, because I know I can always turn to God and my Savior as I do so.

I love how in Avatar the Last Airbender when Aang faces his grief, his guide tells him two important truths. Here is how I phrased it in my Chakra post several years ago. The truths are these:

1. It is important to remember that love is a form of energy and still binds us to those we have lost. 2. It also means it recreates itself in the form of new love.

In extension, our griefs and sorrows have the power to help us recreate ourselves. But we must experience these feelings to truly benefit from them. Without hardship there is not even the opportunity for spiritually and mentally growth and maturity. This is because we can not grow muscle by pumping pillows. Also, by understanding grief we come to understand love.

Those heartrending moments will inevitably come. But it does no good to bury our hurt and stay locked in a standstill waiting for happiness to come back. It takes great courage to face our sadness and further fortitude to learn from it.

Viktor Frankl once said in his book Man’s Search for Meaning, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

I hope this post may help someone facing hard times in their own life. Remember it is okay to let yourself be sad. Face yourself and in so doing may you find joy.

“Why aren’t you married?”: Day 8

(At the temple with my friend Erica)

This post is what you would call the monster. Meaning, this aspect of my life lies at the forefront of my many fears and expectations for myself. But it is an important part of my journey. So, probably with a few tears on my end, I will be honest with my experience concerning this question.

Anything I write here is for myself. But, it is also a part of me I really am ashamed of. As I have grown up I have realized feelings are precious things, and so are experiences: no matter how painful they are, even when compared to other people’s own experiences. But this is one of those cases I have to fight to let myself accept my emotions.

Please don’t think less of me for writing this. Believe me, if I could move forward without writing it I would. But I can’t.

I could talk about how much pressure is out there to be married before or after a certain age. But I won’t. I could also talk about whether or not it is necessary to even be married or if women should pursue careers first. But I won’t.

No, this is about me and my deep, overwhelming desire from a young age to be married in the temple and have a family. And not just to anyone. It must be to someone I feel I can trust my whole self to. I have a firm belief this desire has followed me from before I was born. It isn’t something I can rightly explain.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I have had ample opportunity to date and actually have been proposed to. (I forgot about that until recently when I talked to my mom. Moms remember these things.) But it isn’t really about getting married. At least, not at the deepest part.

It is about finding someone who is willing to commit themselves to me in all aspects of life. Spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. It is about taking on life’s struggles with my best friend, as cheesy as it sounds. Perhaps I am an idealist. Regardless, this dream has served as the center of my life a very long time.

But, despite everything I am not yet married.

And it terrifies me sometimes. It is irrational, perhaps a little selfish but it is real.

I remember being 16 or so during a young women’s conference and hearing a talk by someone in the presidency. She was not married and proceeded to tell us how, no matter if we marry or not, no blessings would be denied us in our lives. I am sure it was a beautiful talk. But hearing her words my heart broke a little.

The reason I felt so anxious, no matter how gently or caringly she gave the message, was because I realized my dream could very well not happen. So, ever since, there has been a small knot of grief locked in my heart especially as the years have passed by.

This little knot has grown throughout my life. Once was when I was 21. I fell for and confessed to a young man who I had dated for about eight months. Once I told him how I felt, he looked at me, told me I was a great girl and. . . just left. Literally. He stepped into his car and drove away. I never saw him again.

I remember being at my sister Jessica brother in law’s wedding reception. I tried hard to stay busy the whole time but afterwards I broke down, because it was painful for me to sit alone as everyone else danced with their partners.

I remember talking to my father when I was 24. I felt deeply impressed I should go on a mission for my church. But I didn’t want to. I looked at my father and told him it was because I was afraid I would be too old to get married when I got home.

Then on my mission I turned 26 and told my mission president what I told my father. But at that time things were a little different. I was in love with one of the missionaries I was serving with.

I remember the fateful moment I returned home and called him and felt perhaps things could work out. It was only a few days later I learned he had a girlfriend. Six months later he was married.

This last summer I attended two weddings for my younger siblings, two for my cousins and one for one of my dearest friends. I am sorry to say it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I was happy for them, but lonely for myself. I hated the way I felt as I watched them be with their significant other. It was a feeling of being left behind.

Since then I have pictured what the future will be like, watching my siblings have children. While I stay where I am.

That is what it feels like to see your life pass before you, as your dream remains unfulfilled.

Oh gosh this is hard.

So here comes the question, “Aubrey, why are you not married?” The answer is I don’t know. At least not completely.

But I will say this. Despite not knowing, I can now see more clearly who I am and where I stand then I ever have before. I have had many wonderful life experiences in college, Europe, on a mission and through continued work and education.

I have had to fight myself many times concerning this, because I often think if I move forward with my life I will lose everything I ever wanted or that I am giving up. But this is one of the lies which prohibits growth. We can’t sit and wait until our dreams happen before we can move forward.

That is the thing about dreams; we don’t have to wait for its fulfillment to be fulfilled as a person. But I can only see these truths now that I have gone through many experiences.

So, at 29 I look forward on a path which I can’t see the end of and I have a choice. I can stop and refuse to step forward into the unknown. Or I can believe; believe there is something better waiting for me, that I can be happy now, and my dream will come true.

I just need to wait and be happy living in the now. That may be the hardest trial of faith any of us encounter in this life.

But for me, I think I am learning a little more each day how precious the time I have is. Why waste it limiting my attentions to blessings I don’t have yet?

I hope to look back at this post years from now and see how lucky I was to have waited as long as I did.

I also hope I will be grateful for taking the time to face my fears.

Thank you for reading.

Do you Enjoy Eating: Day 7

This is a rather difficult entry to write but I feel it is very important for myself, and perhaps for any who read it.

When we list the daily essentials of life there are several answers which come to mind: water, air, clothing, shelter, sleep, companionship and FOOD. We need to eat daily. In fact it takes only two weeks of food deprivation to die. TWO WEEKS.
Food comes in as many shapes and forms as people. We have many varying tastes and expectations. I personally can recount EVERYTHING I ate in Europe five years ago. I can also recount every food I have ever hated, loved, regretted and dreamed of trying. In short, food is integrally intertwined in our everyday life.

So, if we need food and think of it so much why is it treated among us as one of our greatest fears and burdens? Because it is connected to FEAR and more readily SHAME.

Once upon a time I studied chakras as part of my Avatar the Last Airbender study spree. (If interested, read here —–> POST) Charkras are believed to be energy sources along the spine beginning at the pelvic floor and extending to the crown of the head. The third chakra Manipura deals with willpower and is blocked by shame. Interesting fact, it is located in the STOMACH.

It wasn’t until recently I noticed this important connection between shame and the stomach. In my post several years ago I surmised, “(Our Stomach) is the center of self-confidence, personal drive and personal power. Another way to look at it is as our inner fire, or zeal which gives one the motivation to grow and progress.”

Here’s the trick. Anything good in our lives can become a burden if we disconnect from its true nature.

For example, what happens when we overeat? When we notice weight gain? We feel deep shame and food turns to something bad, ugly and the evil root of our problems.This often leads to eccentric dieting, or binge eating depending on our state of mind at the time. I can attest this line of thinking does not lead to a skinnier waist line or confidence. It is almost like becoming locked in a cycle of self-loathing, where we feel ashamed of who we are and our inability to control our appetites.

I also wrote in my article this interesting statement, “Shame is antithetical to confidence. It denotes a loss of self esteem and respect as well as humiliation and dishonor. These personal disappointments keep one locked in place, ashamed and lost.”

I have definitely felt lost in myself, unable to look beyond bodily imperfections. And how I feel physically is more often then not connected to how I see myself mentally, emotionally and spiritually. My worth becomes a measurement and I frantically strive to pull myself back to the ideal body size.

And the enemy through all this? Food. Food becomes calories, carbs and sugars which we picture as future fat rolls and jiggling limbs. Food shines as our shame personified.

But is that what food actually is?

Do you know food’s definition? Google dictionary puts it thus:

Food: any nutritious substance that people or animals eat or drink or that plants absorb in order to maintain life and growth

It is because of food we are alive. It is because of food we grew up as children with teeth and hair and all our bodily functions working. Any unhealthy perspective on food traps us within ourselves. So, myself included, we need to break from this hurtful way of thinking about food. Because FOOD IS ONE OF THE JOYS OF LIFE! I will say it again, food is one of the joys of life!

Food is NOT CALORIES. It is FUEL.

We need to stop punishing ourselves by eating junk rather then nutritious meals. We also need to stop punishing ourselves mentally for everything we have eaten before.

And most importantly, we need to reteach ourselves to enjoy eating.

Today I actually asked myself the question, “Aubrey do you enjoy eating?” Then came deeper questions: “That oatmeal you ate, are you happy after eating it? Do you enjoy drinking chicory tea? If you ate that pizza, would you actually like the taste? Dear, are you really tasting that chicken you put in your mouth just now, or are you too busy playing your game on your phone?”

I have to wonder what would happen if food became one of the sources of joy I had in my day. Honestly, food is part of life’s experience. Why not enjoy the journey? Now, this does not mean eating anything and everything I come in contact with. It is more about finding what my body needs and enjoys.

Therefore, instead of punishing myself with thoughts and ideals concerning food, I want to learn better self mastery and awareness. Russell M. Nelson stated in his talk “Decisions for Eternity” ,

God implanted strong appetites within us for nourishment and love, vital for the human family to be perpetuated.²² When we master our appetites within the bounds of God’s laws, we can enjoy longer life, greater love, and consummate joy.²³

In mind I think of it this way. I can look at my personal weaknesses in eating and punish myself with hatred and shame. That, or I can nourish and love myself and step by step help myself love what I eat and how it makes me feel.

Because I love myself, I will not only eat well I hope to eat joyfully! Recording in my mind my daily vitals should become one of my favorite activities!