What Happens When We Stop Being Angry?: A small message for my family Day 12

This is a message for myself, about myself and I believe it matters. Because of recent events involving many in my immediate family, I have contemplated what I could possibly say to reach everyone in question.

The title of this post is a direct result of my pondering and my feelings. It also stems from my impressions after seeing the new movie A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (2019). The movie in question is based partially on the works of Fred Rogers, who created the show, Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood (1968-2001). The movie was phenomenal and I recommend everyone go see it. But I am not here to write a review. I am here because there are many in my family who need to know how I feel and my thoughts concerning our struggles.

In the movie, Mister Rogers showcases the life of a man name Lloyd, who is very angry and in extension very scared. These feelings came because of his father Jerry, who left Lloyd, his sister and his wife for another woman during his wife’s illness and death. Throughout the film, Lloyd faces these emotions and learns to deal with these feelings in a positive way. I’ve never seen Fred Rogers’ show but I believe this idea was the premise of his life’s work: to face our feelings and major issues in a positive way.

This is not to say one’s feelings do not matter or that there are not consequences for harmful behavior. It simply means we find ways to face these emotions so as not to harm others or OURSELVES.

Part of me wishes I could have seen this show when I was young. From the time I was ten to thirteen, I carried a lot of pain, sorrow and anger. I bottled these emotions up to the point I would suddenly burst in a fit of rage. I kicked a hole in our laundry room wall, I broke several keys on the piano, and I shattered a brush I threw down our hallway. I faced bullies at school the best way I knew how, by reading myself into a stupor. I couldn’t face my parents with my feelings, because it meant I was weak. It meant I had to admit being angry. It meant being vulnerable and exposed.

I couldn’t afford to be any of those things. In my young mind I needed to hold my family together. I prayed and longed for us to be a family again. When we were all together once more against all odds I was very careful not to do anything which I thought would break us. I never told my elder brother how much I longed to be his best friend, even though I knew he was not. I never told my elder sister how much I envied her for being thin and smart, while I struggled with feelings of inferiority because of my weight and timidity. I never told my younger sister how sorry I was for not being a better friend to her my senior year of high school.

And I did not know their thoughts and feelings. We never reached a point where we could. Life moved on. We left home on missions, to college and to be married.

Now I am older and I understand those feelings and longings and regrets mattered. But I now also understand they were too much for a child to bear. In fact they are too much for ANYONE to bear.

Which brings us to the present moment. My dear family, what happens when we stop being angry? What do we see? I know for a fact we all have burdens we carry. Let me tell you what I see. For some, it is like our families are being torn apart. Some feel incredible mental anguish and fear for our children. Others must face the consequences of their mistakes and shame for what they have done. Some have felt so alone, even ostracized for years, not knowing how to be part of our family again. Some are married, others are not. Some of you don’t believe you are worth saving. Others suffer from depression and are tortured by anxiety.
Through our suffering we have common ground.

So I say this. I know we are hurting. I know some of us are so angry. In many ways we are all scared. We are scared of losing each other because we love one another. We regret things we have done and said in our pain and rage.

We must believe in one another. That is why God gave us families. It is because he knew this life is not easy. He knew there would be suffering and trials. Who better to face life and the evils which lie there than we, an eternal family? We have been through worse than this. As this world comes against us, we have each other.

I love all my siblings, my parents, and my new sister and brother in-laws. I love my grandparents, aunts, uncles alive and on the other side of the veil. I DON’T WANT TO LOSE ANY OF YOU.

In the movie I saw today, Mr. Rogers asks Lloyd to share a minute of silence to think of all those who have “loved him into being”. While they sat in silence I did as well. I thought of all of my family and I cried because you are all so precious to me. It grieves me to see you in pain. I feel helpless because I can’t take your sorrow away.

I can tell you how I felt yesterday. I was angry. Angry, bitter and ashamed. Most of all, I was grief-stricken. I wanted to go back to being that child who kicked holes in walls and screamed because the world is not fair. There were times I bitterly sat with myself thinking, “You took my family away from me, destroyed us and beat us. What did we wrong? Why can’t we go back? What do I have to do to make it right again?”

Those questions torment me again.

But yesterday, in the heat of my sorrow and harsh feelings my institute teacher after writing a myriad difficult questions on a board asked us his own question. What do each of these questions have to do with Jesus Christ? With this perspective, I know better. It is because I have seen God’s hand in healing our family time and time again. Remember Jesus Christ. Picture him in your mind. He will heal us, he will bring us together again. His message is Heavenly Father’s message. Families can be together forever.

Mom has told us this quote from President Gordon B. Hinckley many times.

“It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don’t worry. I say that to myself every morning. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us.”

If some of you need time to heal, take that time. If some of you need to be away, stay where you are. But please, don’t act in anger. Anger leads us to say and do things which cause terrible damage to others and OURSELVES. Let us remember to be kind and compassionate.

(For context, this is from the movie Princess Mononoke (1998) where a God became so consumed by rage and hatred it burned its way through him, turning him into a demon of destruction and death. The antithesis to his being.)

Acting out because of hatred and anger will make monsters of us all if we do not temper our emotions and turn to God.

Remember what Viktor Frankl said, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

I say this for myself as well. I am tired of being angry. I am tired of the ugly feelings and being fearful of a future which has not happened yet. I want to look toward our future with faith. I believe our family will be whole again. I believe in all of us.

Please ponder, for any in or out of my family who read this,

Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like “struggle.” To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.- Mister Rogers.

Fear verses faith: Day 11

Do you remember the moments you were truly afraid? I think about it sometimes. My mother called me a crystal child. Things very easily upset or frightened me.The list of these things piled up for my young tender self. I feared going outside in the dark, zombies, dinosaurs and cloaked wraiths: things which were big, uncontrollable which could engulf me and take me away. I am not sure I’ve changed so much since I have grown older. I no longer fear those old movies or silent terrors but there are times when I feel myself stop, tremble and cover my head because of fear.

I thought of it today as I did yoga at my studio. I was already out of sorts so as I went through the usual postures and movements, it didn’t take long for me to start comparing myself to others who were more. . . “accomplished” then myself. The teacher called for a lot of handstands. I did not do a single one. I realized I had a problem when she demonstrated a wide legged handstand by the wall. To do the position I would need to pace my hands about half a foot from the wall, set my head firmly on the wall itself and with my legs wide kick up into the inversion.
I went by the wall, positioned myself and before I even attempted the jump I simply knelt down. I watched other students go in and out of it. It was in that moment I knew I was afraid. It didn’t just manifest itself there, it progressed throughout the whole session and by the end of it I was close to tears.
I know it wasn’t about the difficult postures. It was the jump, into the unknown. This jump and seeing others succeed froze me. I could literally picture all my life failures and I decided instead of taking the risk to give up and not try.
Perhaps that is what I needed from yoga today; to see my physical self so I can understand my mental self. Funny thing is, they are one and the same.
I have always been afraid of making mistakes. The examples are countless and the results are the same. That is, unless you look at those times where I didn’t give in to the fear, but fought through it. How else could I have moved to Idaho, finish college, become a teacher with no prior experience or even learn Russian?
In my last post not too long ago I didn’t know where I was going. Now I do. So why am I so afraid?
Thinking on it, I am faced with my same self from my mission who had feelings she did not want to admit and who was moving from a traumatic experience in a previous area. It was then that I had a dream. I share this dream because I feel someone needs to read it. It is a very special, sacred experience for me.

In my dream, I and another girl were being chased by someone, who I knew wished the worst for us. Eventually, he caught up to us in a room, where we had nowhere else to run. He looked at us, a well-dressed red haired man, and like a charismatic snake-oil salesman stated he would give us anything we ever wanted. All we needed to do was give our full selves to him. Our agency and will so to say. The other girl seemed as though she would give in to his offer. I couldn’t believe she would do such a thing.
I listened to him and knew I would never accept his offer, so instead of answering I asked him questions: What would happen to us if we agreed? Would we ever gain control of ourselves again? Each time I did this he grew angrier. Shimmers of a darker being would flicker like black shoots from him. Finally, he looked at me and said, “Why don’t we pray? You pray don’t you? Why don’t you say it, since you are so confident of yourself.”
So I started to pray, he grew closer and closer to me almost skin to skin, mocking everything I said. I was afraid. Terribly afraid. But instead of praying in English I began instead to speak in Russian. The more I focused my heart and words the angrier this being became, but I also gained more confidence.
Finally I looked at this dark, angry man and said, “We belong to Christ and you have no power over us.” That was when the facade was gone and we could finally escape. He lost his form, revealing himself for the twisted nightmare he was and I and the girl ran. We ran far and hard, always knowing he was not far behind us.
Before I knew it, I no longer was an adult, but a child. I ran along my old hallway from our old house in St. Johns to my parents room. My father and mother were in the bed and the room was chaotic, cluttered and I felt disoriented. I looked up at my father, terrified and said, “Dad, I need help.”
He looked at me and asked what was wrong. I told him, “Someone is coming, you can’t imagine how horrible! What do I do?”
Calmly, even as I could hear the nightmare coming my father told me, “Faith and fear cannot reside in the same heart together. Do you believe?”
It was then I woke up.
I’ve reflected many, many times on this dream and told a few select people of my experience. I write about it now so as to voice the battle I and every person must fight. This is a battle to face our fears with FAITH. But we need not face these fears alone. In Philipians 4:13 Paul stated, “I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”
The longer I live, the stronger my conviction that God is real. That Jesus Christ really did die and lives for us. Because these things are true means we have bigger, and grander things to look forward to in times to come.

It makes me think of a scene from The Prince of Egypt, where Moses talked to multiple Hebrews after turning through God’s power the river to blood.

Yes, Aaron, it’s true. Pharaoh has the power. He can take away your food, your home, your freedom. He can take away your sons and daughters. With one word, Pharaoh can take away your very lives. But there is one thing he cannot take away from you: your faith. Believe, for we will see God’s wonders.

As I face my own challenges, I hope I can find the courage and faith to continue moving forward. For those facing their own trials, I hope you and I can move forward with this faith. That we may believe in good things to come.

Where do I go? Day 10

This post is mostly just me rambling. I find when my thoughts are this fragmented and heavy it is best to write them out.
Lately I have felt like Wirt from Over the Garden Wall. He stated in a rather dramatic way,

Sometimes I feel like a boat upon a winding river twisting towards an endless black sea, further and further, drifting away from where I want to be, who I want to be.”

All day today I have had multiple experiences of late flash through my mind. Honestly, I’ve reached a moment in my life where I don’t fit into any mold for anyone my age in the workforce or social sphere. And it causes a lot of deep pondering. At 29 I feel on the brink of passing into another world, one which not many people talk about, because not many reach it.
It is a world where I have a plethora of choices laid before me. Choices I have to now make because life didn’t go as I planned. At 18 I didn’t think about a career, because I figured most girls married by 21 anyway so I wouldn’t need to worry about it. Well. . . obviously that didn’t quite happen for me. Big events in my life all fell out of order. So obvious choices I could make fall to the wayside.
To give you an idea, my life played out like this. At 18 I left home to go to college as a music major, an obvious choice since I loved music and performing. Within a year and a half I switched my major to history and lost my love for music. My childhood passion gone, my mind pointed in a different direction and I moved colleges and finished my degree at 23.
Well, there I was with my education finished and absolutely no idea what to do. So I went home and because a music teacher of all things. But I felt lost, so unsure of my decisions and my future. Fear gripped me hard at times and pushed me further into myself. Then at 24 I left for a mission, serving with those 7 to 8 years younger then myself, returning at 26.
When I returned I didn’t have a college to go back to nor a marriage waiting for me. So I came to Provo to work, wait and hopefully settle down.

But over two years have passed me by and now the future lays ahead like tumbled weeds, jumbled, messy and looking altogether useless.
When I talk to others about my desires for marriage not being in sight I receive now typical answers which could explain the why or the will be. I’ve had some tell me, “Perhaps you are meant to marry someone who is still married to someone else. You just need to wait until life puts him into a single position again.” You know, the standard Sleepless in Seattle scenario. Another person told me, “Many women don’t marry in this life but still find ways to be mothers and companions for others.”
Goodness knows I have heard all sorts of things, partially because I think people feel just a little sorry for me. I don’t fit into the mold. I don’t have a prestigious career and don’t have my own family. I am adrift looking forward into a future which is truly unknown.
I think it is easy to lay back and wait for any number of futures people tell me to come true. People tick off names of people I could become like, who were successful or who married famous people way later in life. It is easy to think, “Now that I am older I should start preparing myself for different goals and dreams because my previous ones no longer apply.”
It is also easy to become lost, adrift wanting and waiting for life to finally come. Waiting for something miraculous to just happen.

Because that is what happens to people in these types of stories. I could be like Eowyn from Lord of the Rings who could only see in her future death by the sword, a means she devised as an escape from a caged life. I could also become like Charlotte from Pride and Prejudice who settled into a loveless relationship because she feared she was on the road to spinsterhood and shame. Then again, I could be like Fanny from Mansfield Park who felt such pressure to accept marriage from a man she did not altogether trust.
I could be Sheri Dew, Wendy Nelson, or any number of successful women in this world who found happiness elsewhere outside traditional molds and stories. I really could.
But here is the thing. I am not any of these people. When people tell me what I should now expect because of my age, sometimes I just want to look them in the eye and say, “How could you possibly know what is in my future or what will happen to me?” Other times I want to scream how those lives people envision coming for me are not what I want.
Here is the kicker though. Do I even know what I want? If my future and life truly doesn’t fit into a workbook I can easily memorize and fill out where do I go to find out? Now, my life is a blank canvas and I have all the freedom in the world to make it what I want. But what picture do I want to paint?

The easiest thing would be to copy someone else’s life. Make myself one of countless people.
But you know what, NO ONE FITS INTO THESE SO CALLED MOLDS. All of our lives are set centered on our agency. I have the power to choose the destination and particulars of my journey. But I do get sidetracked. I fail to envision the possibilities before me because I see others passing by me with particular styles, accomplishments and talents. And in so doing, I never really understand myself.
I don’t think we are able to grow beyond our visions of ourselves. Therefore, I must change my perspective. I need to learn to BE ME. If I don’t know what I want to do, perhaps it is about time I figured it out.

The greatest truth I can leave anyone who reads this is, don’t let anyone steer you from creating your own life and finding your own answers. Be yourself, trust God and look forward. For “yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.”