(Beautiful me on little sleep, long work hours and no makeup. . . awe the memories. )
Today I pondered a lot about how much my mindset concerning my health has changed. So many thoughts flitted through my head about my weight, age, makeup, sleep, personal skills and so on. All of these these thoughts which honestly have been building up since I was very young have been a burden for a great portion of my life.
I am probably not the first person to judge themselves harshly. When I was in middle school I did not feel beautiful because I did not fit the ideal “mold” of a skinny, athletic or smart girl which flitted in my mind so often. I went from being a twig at eleven to a more vellumptious (did I spell this right?), curvy version of myself within two years.
Did I want this? No. Though I did not voice it all the time, my ideal haunted me. I felt bitter and honestly I did not like myself.
These feelings stayed with me throughout college. And after.
Then something remarkable happened. I went on a mission to Russia and lost 40 pounds. How did it happen? Well. . . I got sick, my stomach shrank and I changed my eating habits. I switched to smaller portions, avoided sugar and studied hard how to eat in order TO TAKE CARE Of MY BODY.
I make it sound easy, but it wasn’t. I remember many heartfelt prayers wondering how I could change, lose weight, see myself as beautiful.
And I am still there. As it happens, my body changed more when I came home from Russia. I gained muscle and before long I have once again fallen into old fears. Eating again became calorie counting and calculating how to lose weight. Exercise has become almost all about becoming that ideal once again, counteracting eating and bad decisions.
All in all, unfortunately, FEAR has become the defining driving force in my diet and exercise.
So today I sat and wondered and realized what I lost; a true love for myself, which took me SO SO long to know in Russia. With shock I realized I have stopped caring for my body and am trying to force it into the ideal mold I valued throughout my life.
(Original Art by 9Jedit. Feel free to look up her blog!
So what to do now? Well, I have decided to REMEMBER that feeling I had in Russia. Because for the first time in my life, while I was there, I had a glimpse into a higher law of love for myself. The truth of which is knowing our intrinsic value goes deeper than a weight or pant size.
Instead of focusing so much on what I WANT myself to look like, obsessing and counting. I want to believe in myself, that I have ability and am beautiful. In fact, that I have been beautiful all along, but had been to blind to see it.
Therefore, here are my goals.
- I will write my thoughts, feelings and discoveries spiritual and mental for the next 30 days.
- I will not count my calories.
- I will take a picture of myself everyday, each day a different face and setting. (I hate pictures of myself. So I will conquer my fear of it!)
- I will meditate and do yoga every day, at least five of those days will be in my studio.
- I will study the scriptures everyday.
Unlike the other lists I have started but not finished (I will do so eventually) I hope I follow through with this. Because, this will not only affect me. So, I look forward to writing more in the future.